there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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