My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize