Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize