And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
