i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize