Christians are straight up FREAKS
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You may now shotgun with the bride
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
