Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
