So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
