took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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