did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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