My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
