Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Found the puke drawer
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
