my sisters under your porch take her home
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
