I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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