After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
