Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
