when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
