I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
