I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
