I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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