Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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