She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
