I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
