so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
