ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
