So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
