i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
