how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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