I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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