i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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