I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
