Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
