I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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