How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My dick has a subreddit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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