you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
