I just pynch a tree in the face
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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