I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
