God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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