Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
