I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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