hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
