Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
