Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
