my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
