I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
