Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
