I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
