I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So many bounce houses so little time
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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