this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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