eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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