Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
