Im at strip club and am horny
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
