my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
