Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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