It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
