Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
