I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
