You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
